Nanny State

Nanny State is a wonderful lady

Loving and gentle and kind

 

She makes the wayward fit in with the masses

With drugs that alter their mind

 

That her love is killing the baby

Leaves her totally blind.

 

Afghans and Arabs with tyrant oppressors

She saves by having them mined.

 

Nanny robs folk with all of her taxes

To pay for her to be kind.

 

The work shy she cossets with cash and fine training

But jobs they leave declined

 

Nanny robs folk with all of her taxes

To pay for her to be kind

 

That her love is killing the baby

Leaves nanny totally blind.

 

She is so terribly kind.

Original Sin

Through coition came cognition,

so we’re told.

From serpentine perdition,

to the eve of our condition,

is a line of pulchritude.

 

The serpent was lascivious.

Tempting Eve to coitus,

by offering an apple

to consume.

 

His squirming, so voluptuous,

slithering, conceptuous,

lured her to

perfidy and sin.

 

From thus, homo erectus

was hetero in his genius,

until, through nostra damus,

came il papa’s mighty plan.

 

By immaculate deception,

came the godhead

to reception

as a naked babe in straw.

 

Lacking sign of all suspicion,

or hint of malefaction,

the lord had sired offspring,

but no genitals engorged.

 

Through countless generation,

from Adam and creation,

had the genesis of

humankind been drawn.

 

By fervent copulation,

foregoing masturbation,

the race had been

expanded and preserved.

 

In coitus emeritus,

no interruption hindered us

and life was passed

by orgasmagic down.

 

From primeval broth evolving,

through complex myths contriving,

the human creature

comes to speculate.

 

No! It surely is apparent,

that our knowing was descendant,

and did not come

from falling to a snake.

 

All the love and joy

in breeding, should be guiltless,

not conceding any merit

to the fantasists of god.

 

Deus non magnificat,

and coitus cum laude.

Shagging is not sinful,

but bonding beautiful.

Piggy Belle Is Dead

Weather Pig sways lazily,

peering from the roof.

He stares at windy Wales

with teardrops in his eyes.

 

Of course he faces windward

as he does throughout the year,

but now his task is tearful.

Piggy Belle is dead.

 

Guard Pig lies at duty

by the front door, as he must.

His task to pee on Mormons,

bite balls off burglar thugs.

 

He is is lax about his duties,

though always at his post.

Today he glares with sadness,

for Piggy Belle is dead.

 

Piggy Ornamental

has no job to do at all.

She is just bronzed off with life today

and yesterday as well.

 

Her empty life is emptier,

so decorously sad,

Pigginess is lesser now,

‘cos Piggy Belle is dead.

 

All the piggy presences

in Malpoet’s grand estate,

grieve the porcine paucity,

end of the Belle Epoche.

 

For years she hung out prettily.

She called at dinner time.

If needed on the telephone,

she let me know in time.

 

The constant task was arduous

as was time and weather toll.

Poor Piggy Belle has fallen now

None more shall hear her call.

 

How sad I was when I was told,

she’d tolled her final toll.

The porky rites at last are said.

Piggy Belle is dead.

Honourable Member

Goodbye Mister Speaker

it is sad to see you go.

You were a stalwart fighter

for the rules

we got to know.

 

I am an honourable member

not a flipping politician

I wouldn’t work the system

I am only here to serve.

 

That bath plug was essential,

you wouldn’t want me whiffing.

The moat around my vast estate

was stinking, clogged

with old receipts.

I couldn’t do the job myself

I work so hard for you

 

I’m an honourable member

not a flipping politician.

You simply do not understand

the burdens of my job.

 

I work all week in London

at my club

and over luncheon

where I make the many contacts

that grease my working life.

 

Of course I need another house

back with my constituents

so I can show my face in town

and keep the voters sweet.

 

The place I keep

down on the coast

and where my lover caretakes

I use to charge my batteries

the better to serve you.

 

I’m an honourable member

not a flipping politician

Swapping the second and my third house

for my first when tax was pending,

that was none of my choice,

the rule I wasn’t bending

I was told I had to do this,

and I do what I’m directed,

I must live here in London

to be a Minister.

 

I’m an honourable member

not a flipping politician

Now let me tell you clearly

we are poorly paid as Members

and I owe it to my family

to get the best returns

 

Look! Paying off the mortgage

left me short of capital

and I needed more

taxpayers cash

to stash away in shares.

 

The porno films were not for me

they help stop hubby straying

while I am away all week

in the flat for which you’re paying.

 

He works hard as well you see

he does my admin work.

He fills in my expenses claims

and you pay him well for that.

 

Yes fifty bags of horse shit

is a lot of crap I know,

but my garden is a glory.

I put on a good show.

 

Bleary little squirrel nutkin

keeps her crash hat close at hand.

Gordon Says that he supports her

She’s on her way, so wave goodbye.

 

We are sorry for the system

that WE put in place to guide us.

 

We are sorry for those others

unlike me who were quite naughty.

 

We are sorry, we are sorry

we are sorry that you caught us.

Doggone Shame

Doggone Shame

All the pubs
and restaurants
have now been made
smoke free.

To save the lungs
of bar staff
and keep waiters
eyes undimmed.

Now they’re healthy
on the dole queue
and all social life is dead.
The pubs are shut and empty,
café goers are unfed.

What happened to the smokers?
They are miserable at home.
Their dogs have got lung cancer
and they’re puffing all alone.

Low Fashion

 

Low Fashion

 

When full bonnets

became all the rage

not a head hair

could be seen.

The blondes who wanted

fun filled life

all felt

they were unclean.

 

The red heads

with their carrot tops

concealed from general view

were laughed at

for their freckles

and never

brought to bed.

 

Boring, mousy office clerks

could nto believe their luck.

After years and years of trying

they could always get a fuck.

 

But next there came a fashion

for window fronted skirts.

They were worn with pretty panties

that had heart shaped holes in front.

 

Waxing was now waning,

a depilator’s doom.

Only Frankie went to Hollywood.

Brazilians filled with gloom.

 

Merkin makes celebrate

the unexpected boom.

This noble craft is flourishing

along with home grown pubes.

 

Some ladies in their burkhas

have fitted little grills

where wispy hair can wave outside

and hint at inner thrills.

 

With the hairdressers neglected

and the beauty parlours closed,

the economy was suffering

just as you supposed.

So then came pubic highlights.

Yes! Blues and orange too.

Waxing makes a come back

twisting curlies to fine points.

 

Knickers were discarded

for confining the display.

Skirt windows all expanded

until they were fullest bay.

 

Van Dykes walked down every street

in glorious display.

There were some Walter Raleigh’s

and a Darwin by the way.

 

Disaster struck with straighteners,

a faulty Chinese batch,

the rash of roasted pussy

caused panic in a flash.

 

The bonnets have all disappeared

and Hollywood is tops.

Jeans have made a comeback

over plastered pinky bits.

Saturday Sally

 

Robert was rigid,

the rule book his ruler.

Relations with clients

were sometimes strained.

They didn’t know

his panties were pretty

Lacy and small

so tight on his dickie.

His pinstripes were perfect,

his tie straight and trim.

No one would think

of challenging him,

but on Saturday he was Sally.

 

Robert was cross

when staff were too sloppy.

He could be stern

and terribly stroppy.

They didn’t know

his toenails were red

Inside shiny shoes

so perfectly polished.

But on Saturday he was Sally.

 

Saturday Sally was so

sweet and sexy.

She chatted and flirted

dancing so happily.

Everyone saw her

flowing blonde hair

bobbing above

a face painted gorgeously,

 

Stresses and tensions

were left with Robert.

Only on Monday

would he show his head.

Sally cared nothing

for Robert irascible.

Wishing only that

he could be dead.

Manner

 

The manner of man a

manor dweller is

has manna aplenty too.

Malebolge

 

From the Malebolge,

reeking poets steeped

with the sullen and slothful

in their stygian swamp

simper

worthlessly.

 

The rancid dragon milk

will be late again Hihihihihi.

 

High on the heady

heroes of Antenora

Malpoet hugs

the ragged fur of Lucy Fur

to the centre

to the glory.

 

Transition of hell

consumption of heaven

dilution of cats eyes

transcendence of the eartha

kitten woman new

fashioned zillionaire.

 

Fu taka catacomb

monkeying with

capuchins.

Good gig

skulldiggery

Pin tang.

Amnesty

 

The government has claimed

success in its most recent boot amnesty.

Boot mountains have been formed

in police station yards

throughout the country.

 

Original plans to issue the surrendered boots

to construction workers have been abandoned

due to a shortage of workers since the fourth credit crunch

and concern that the boots may be smuggled

out of the building sites and sold to gang members.

 

An alternative proposal

to ship the boots to shoeless

people in the third world

was stopped after the

Stop The War coalition

objected to weapons being exported.

 

Policing of the prohibition

on males between the ages of

thirteen and three quarters and

forty two being seen in public

with a clenched fist has resulted

in a claim by The Police Federation

for a trebling of the number

of police officers.

 

The requirement that young men

may only wear slippers in

public places has resulted in

a sharp increase in

spanking attacks in night clubs.

 

An appeal against the two kicks and your out

sentencing policy will go to

the European Court next week.

It is expected that the government will lose

and plans are being made for the life sentence

kickers to be released to waddle restraint.

 

They will be required to wear an

electronic butt plug that delivers a sharp

electric shock if the foot is raised above knee level.

Shit breaks of not more than fifteen minutes

will be permitted for up to three times a day.

 

A government spoke said:

“We are on target to achieve

the 64^th consecutive year

of falling crime levels.

Less than half the population

are now in prison

or subject to control orders.”